Home » Inspiration » What To Do When Someone Hates You
- By Vicki Davis
- April 22, 2018
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“There is one way to avoid criticism: Do nothing. Say nothing. Be nothing.” says Aristotle. Criticism comes with breaking new ground. Criticism comes with putting yourself out there.But how do you respond when that criticism turns to hatred?
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Hatred is a hard thing to handle, particularly when you feel it is unjust. But I'm writing this for you today: DON'T LET IT STOP YOU.
Spread more love than hate
Theodore Roosevelt's Man in the Arena
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
Theodore Roosevelt, Excerpt from the Speech “Citizenship in the Republic” given at the Sorbonne in Paris, France April 1910
We are all people of the arena.Every human hasto cope with this question:
Be you. But being you will often cause undeserved hate from others.
Hatred is a hard thing to handle. Humans usually possess a “me-centric” view of the world. We've all seen how two good people can have a vastly different opinions. It happens. No matter what you do, how kind you are, or anything else, I promise you this: In your human-ness, you will attracthaters. No way around it.
Haters are an inevitable part of life if you're accomplishing anything of worth. You can decide what to do about that.
It will also shock and surprise you just how long some peoplewill nurse hatred. It can be years later and they're still hanging onto something that you barely remember.
Don't confuse criticism with hate. People who care will give advicehelp you improve.
Tip 1: Not Every Criticism Is Motivated by Hate
A person giving you constructive criticism wants to help you improve and become better.
A hater wants to hurt you and wants you to die.
Determine if love or hate is the basis of the criticism by recognizing who criticized you and how they gave it. What was the intent? Help or harm?
Why Do We Notice the Negative?
You can be in a crowd of ten thousand and give an incredible speech. One critic blasts you on their blog or on Twitter, and what do you notice? You don't see those hundred positive tweets — you see the one negative.
You can captivate your whole classroomexcept for one student who has decided to dislike you. You don't relish29 joyful, happy, learning kids — you languish because one student (and usually their parents) doesn't like you.(I've been there — and goodness –, it's hard when this happens!)
Tip 2: Reject Critics Math
Jon Acuff talks about this phenomenon in his bookStart: Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average and Do Work that Matterscalls this “critics math.” Jon says:
1 insult + 1,000 compliments = 1 insult
He goes on to tell the story of Larry David, creator of the hit TV showSeinfeld.Larry went to New York and attended a ballgame. When the organizers spotted him in the crowd, they showed his picture on the big screen and played the Seinfeld theme song as the entire stadium stood and applauded.
After the game as Larry walked to his car, astranger drove by, rolled down his window, and yelled,
“Larry, you suck!”(Video) How To Deal With People Who HATE You
Which did Larry remember later? The one strangerwho said that he sucked.
Are you kidding? One rude person can erase 49,999 giving you a standing ovation?
This math doesn't make sense.
The first step in overcoming critics math is to realize that you're doing it and refuse to go there.
Tip 3: Keep Perspective
I deal with the haters by admitting that there's room enough in this big wide world for both of us.- Good people can dislike me. I can even dislike good people.Good and evil aren't determined by whether people like you or me.This perspective helps.
I recall a professor in college who drew a little x at the corner of the board. Across the board he drew a cloud.
He points at the cloud and says, “This is the universe.” He walks across the front of the room to the tiny x and tells the class, “This is you.” Then, he says something profound. “Notice that you” (pointing at the x) “are not at the center of the universe” (pointing at the cloud.)
Love is a powerful response to hate.
Tip 4: Center Your Thoughts in Healthy Ways
Nope. I'm not the center of the universe, and neither are you. But we can choose to center our thoughts daily. When hate rears its ugly head — it hurts us. – And yet centering our thoughts gets easier with time. Focuson your goals. We'vegot things to get done!
Tip 5: Focus on theLikers, Not the Haters
Stopfocusing on the futile: You probably can't make the haters like you.
Instead, focus on the people who actually do like you. Spendtime cultivating those relationships and perhaps they'll come to love you (and you them).
Focus on helping and serving others and being kind. Choose to ignore those who may be speaking negatively about you — that can quickly become paranoia. Usually,it turns out that people aren't even talking about you at all. I hate to tell you what I tell myself: You're not that important. Keep perspective and keep to your task.
So, decide. We've already heard Theodore Roosevelt tell us clearly, “It is not the critic who counts” but why do we give such things power over us? Why should we lethatersdistract us from living an epic life?
Tip 6:Celebrate Good Times and Progress
My first boss sent a memo to his manager praising my performance. He brought the copy to my desk and I was so excited. I couldn't believe it. Then, he told me something I'll never forget.
“Create an ‘atta girl' folder for those hard days. They'll come and you'll need to remember who you are and who you can be. This is your first ‘atta girl.' Keep it.”
I still have the folder and madeone in Evernote so that I can always get to it. “Atta girl” has pulled me through dark days when I failed at something.
We all fall. I fail. You fail. It's part of life.
Tip 7: Keep Moving Forward
Failurebecomes permanent only if we stop trying. It becomes success when we learn from it. It also helps to remember the good days when the bad days come.
But let's be clear about the difference between failure and criticism. Criticism is not failure. Having a hater is not a failure. Being criticized and having a hater is part of being human.
Dr. Phil Adler, my favorite professor, always talked about racism and sexism and how to overcome the. He'd tell us that there were people who wouldnot want us to be included in conversations because of our gender or race.
“Be so good that they can't ignore you,” he said.
The best revenge is success and proving them wrong.”
Ever since that moment in class, I've repeated this thought when faced with a hater targeting me or my gender.
Tip 8: Be Excellent in Your Work.
Your best revenge against haters is proving them wrong. Succeed and work your best to do a fantastic job at whatever you're called to do.
Some people want swift justice because their me-centered world demands it. Well, life is a marathon not a sprint. Be a turtle (as I share in Chapter 13 of Reinventing Writing).
Who Hating Really Hurts
Hating hurts the hater most of all. I read a story of the freed slave Frederick Douglass riding a train through Pennsylvania. He was told toride with the luggage, and several white passengers came back to the luggage car to express how upset they were.Douglassresponded by telling them that he was notdegraded but that those who did this to him were degrading themselves for treating a fellow human being with disrespect.(Paraphrased from a story included inUp from Slavery by Booker T. Washington.)
Tip 9: Commit Not To Hate
Hating is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Hating is like tying a dead body to your back — the body doesn't care that it's lashed to you, but you bear the burden.
Hating hurts the hater most of all.
When you are bothered by a person's hate, it gives thempower over you. They can rejoice because they ruined your day. Their purpose is wounding you and causing you pain, and they'd probably be happy only if you were dead. Since there's nothing you can do to make them happy you have to learn to live with it!
Tip 10: Live Life!
And live with it you do! But do more than just live — thrive and succeed and enjoy your life. Fulfill your mission and spend time your loving the 99.9% of people who don't have a problem with the fact you're breathing air at this moment.
Life is too short to make a big deal about a small person. And hate does exactly that — it has a way of making the person on the receiving end feel smaller and less incapable of success.
So, my friends — forgive and move on. Do whatever it takes, but let go of hate. Ifsomeone hates you, sing the song from Frozen and“let it go.”
Haters are gonna hate. The question is: what will you do about it?
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Vicki Davis is a full-time classroom teacher and IT Director in Georgia, USA. She is Mom of three, wife of one, and loves talking about the wise, transformational use of technology for teaching and doing good in the world. She hosts the 10 Minute Teacher Podcast which interviews teachers around the world about remarkable classroom practices to inspire and help teachers. Vicki focuses on what unites us -- a quest for truly remarkable life-changing teaching and learning. The goal of her work is to provide actionable, encouraging, relevant ideas for teachers that are grounded in the truth and shared with love. Vicki has been teaching since 2002 and blogging since 2005. Vicki has spoken around the world to inspire and help teachers reach their students. She is passionate about helping every child find purpose, passion, and meaning in life with a lifelong commitment to the joy and responsibility of learning. If you talk to Vicki for very long, she will encourage you to "Relate to Educate" or "innovate like a turtle" or to be "a remarkable teacher." She loves to talk to teachers who love their students and are trying to do their best. Twitter is her favorite place to share and she loves to make homemade sourdough bread and cinnamon rolls and enjoys running half marathons with her sisters. You can usually find her laughing with her students or digging into a book.
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Michele Jackson July 11, 2014 - 3:05 am
Thank you Vicki. This means a lot to me personally. I needed to hear this after some events that happened last school year .
coolcatteacher July 13, 2014 - 1:29 pm
Michele- it is hard to get over pure unadulterated hatred. I am glad to hear my own struggles have given helpful insight to you! It is crazy how many messages I have gotten on twitter on this one post! This seems to be a very common issue, particularly among teachers and leaders! Keep on plugging and move ahead!!Vicki Davis @coolcatteacher
Norah Colvin July 12, 2014 - 12:14 am
This is a great article Vicki. There is a lot of power and a lot of sense in your words. The Theodore Roosevelt quote spoke volumes to me. I think I will have to treasure its message forever. Your ten suggestions are great. I really identified with #6. Years ago, long before the advent of personal computers and Evernote, I made a book I called my “Feel good about myself book”. In it I put certificates and awards and even more precious things like letters from students, parents and colleagues. Any time I was feeling down about what I was achieving, wondering if I was having the positive impact I desired, or just wondering if all my efforts were worthwhile, I would get it out and read through it. It wasn’t long before I was feeling affirmed and positive again. I recommend a “Feel good about myself” book to everyone, regardless of what format it takes. Thanks for sharing this great post and wonderful suggestions.
coolcatteacher July 13, 2014 - 1:31 pm
You are so right Norah! When the feelings of inadequacy plague my-my attagirl folder reminds me that even though I have setbacks and failure – as we all do- that there are ways my life has made a positive difference in the lives of others!! Thanks for sharing what you do!Vicki Davis @coolcatteacher
Kelle Meeker July 13, 2014 - 1:22 pm
Thank you so much for this article. This truly reminds me of where my focus should be directed. Last year was a rough school year, and this helped put some things in perspective. As I read I was reminded of Zora Neale Hurston’s “How It Feels to be Colored Me.” We have to keep sharpening our oyster knife and focusing on living a happy, peaceful existence.
coolcatteacher July 13, 2014 - 1:33 pm
Thanks Kelle for mention of that book- I am looking for it now! It is so hard to handle this – it has been in my life lately as well- it doesn’t get easier but these steps helped me this week when a person who developed a dislike for me back 8 years a go showed again that her hatred lives. Crazy isn’t it? I am sadder for her than me. Life is too short to carry that poison in your heart. Thanks for commenting!!Vicki Davis @coolcatteacher
Joel MacDonald July 15, 2014 - 12:05 pm
Wow! Really great stuff. Thanks so much for sharing.
Paula Torres July 22, 2014 - 1:15 am
I will need to read this once a week to remind myself to stay focused and not “give away” my happiness to the haters. I constantly get sucked in and it is completely draining to keep thinking about all that negativity. Thank you for this
coolcatteacher July 22, 2014 - 2:14 pm
Wow, Paula! Thank you for being so open and honest. I think this is a problem for so many of us. I’m astounded how many times this is being talked about and shared. The story about the creator of Seinfeld is what helps me most — critics math is preposterous but so many of us do it. It helps to keep perspective that is for sure. Thanks for sharing. Every comment may help another on their journey.
Stephanie G. August 14, 2014 - 7:46 pm
I am a frequent reader of your website, but this is the first time I have commented on a post. I have recently resumed updating my own Edublog after realizing how much I’ve missed the blogging world. What a great way to share experiences and ideas with others in the profession!
It was very refreshing to read this post. This is definitely a topic to which all teachers can relate. In some ways, being a teacher is like being a mini-celebrity: everybody knows who you are, and everybody has an opinion of you, and those opinions cover a large spectrum, from “I hate her!” to “She’s the best teacher ever!” and everywhere in between.
Critics Math definitely rings true: more of us are apt to pay attention to the negative comments made than the positive. As a relatively new teacher, I have sometimes found myself feeling insecure about my teaching abilities because of negative comments made by students here and there, but this entry reminds me to keep those comments in perspective.
Thank you for writing this piece. I will have to bookmark it and come back to it again when school resumes.
Kay Brooks September 2, 2014 - 2:39 pm
Hi, Vicki. I chose to peruse your blog for my Computers in Education graduate class and I am so glad I did. Hate is so strong a word but someone definitely “dislikes” me. I needed this blog entry to remind me that not everyone is going to like me, that most people do, and I need to stop concentrating on the one person who doesn’t. The math DOES matter. I can choose to be successful and succeed. I can choose to keep at it when I fail. I hope YOU keep on encouraging people. You have encouraged me. Kay B.
Comments are closed.
Their hatred may stem from past experiences, misunderstandings, or even jealousy. Taking the time to empathize with their perspective can help shed light on the reasons behind their feelings. It's essential to approach the situation with an open mind and resist the urge to become defensive.How to deal with a person who hates you? ›
Their hatred may stem from past experiences, misunderstandings, or even jealousy. Taking the time to empathize with their perspective can help shed light on the reasons behind their feelings. It's essential to approach the situation with an open mind and resist the urge to become defensive.How do you react when someone hates you for no reason? ›
- What to do when someone doesn't like you for no reason.
- Don't make assumptions.
- Practice self-awareness.
- Focus on self-improvement.
- Don't own others' feelings.
- Face conflict head-on.
- Beware of approval-seeking behaviors.
- Go where you're celebrated.
- Don't try to fix the difficult person. Accept them exactly as they are. ...
- Be present and direct. ...
- Do encourage difficult people to express themselves. ...
- Watch for trigger topics. ...
- Know that some topics are absolutely off-limits. ...
- It's not about you — usually. ...
- Your own well-being comes first.
- Let It Go. ...
- Focus On Healthy Ways To Communicate. ...
- Practice Civility. ...
- Sidestep When Possible. ...
- Fake It Till You Make It. ...
- Be Mindful Of Your Emotions. ...
- Put A Positive Spin On It. ...
- Find Common Ground.
They may act distant or even avoidant. If you try to engage them in conversation, they may give one-word answers or completely ignore you. Body language is also telling; if someone faces away from you or crosses their arms when you're talking, it's a sign that they're not interested.What are the three reasons why someone hates you? ›
There's a quote by an unknown author: “A person hates you for one of three reasons: 1) They want to be you 2) They hate themselves 3) They see you as a threat.” People that are genuinely comfortable with themselves don't desire to be anyone else.What do you call a person who hates people? ›
misanthrope. noun. mis·an·thrope ˈmis-ᵊn-ˌthrōp. : a person who hates or distrusts humankind.How do you confess to someone who hates you? ›
Be genuine in your apology and try to say plainly that what you did was wrong. Don't try to justify your actions. For example, if your crush hates you because you made fun of them in public, you could say, “Hey, I've had some time to think about that, and I wanted to let you know how sorry I am.What is a good quote for haters? ›
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” – Martin Luther King, Jr. 42. “A hater is a person with a complete understanding of your destiny but assigns him- or herself as a representative to work tirelessly on your misery.
Signs that You Have a Toxic Family Member
Their perception of you doesn't jibe with the way you see yourself. They accuse you of things that you feel aren't true. They make you feel like you're never enough or bad about yourself, or otherwise emotionally destabilized.
- Create boundaries. OK, easier said than done, but very essential to do. ...
- Limit your contact. This may be hard to do, especially because family members often get together on various occasions. ...
- Don't engage. ...
- Create a solid support system. ...
- Cut off all contact.
What does it mean to be the “black sheep” of the family? A “black sheep” is a family member who is marginalized, treated differently, or excluded by the rest of the family. Black sheep, also known as marginalized family members, often feel hurt, inadequate, and lonely.What to do when you can't stand someone? ›
- RECOGNIZE THAT IT'S YOUR PROBLEM. The fact that you don't like someone else is not their problem; it's yours, says Valdes-Dapena. ...
- REFRAME YOUR DISLIKE. ...
- IDENTIFY WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO WORK WITH THE PERSON. ...
- DEVISE A PLAN TO GO FORWARD.
- Avoid direct eye contact.
- Please give them the cold shoulder when they try to communicate with you.
- Ignore them on all social media platforms and do not respond to their calls.
- Be persistent with your attitude to them to make them believe that it's your normal behaviour.
Don't take it personally. You can deal with people talking about you behind your back by remembering that their words are a reflection of them, not you. You can't choose what others say about you, but you can choose how you react to it. Write off gossiping as something the other person needed to do for themselves.What is the root cause of hate? ›
What are the root causes of hate? Hate is based in issues of power and control. Hate comes from the idea that certain people can or should have power and control over others. These ideas come from our history where certain people took power over others.What is it called when you secretly don't like someone? ›
antipathy. noun. formal a strong feeling of not liking someone or something.How do you know if someone doesn't like you as a friend? ›
While a friend might use relaxed language, share a few jokes, or otherwise interact in a light-hearted manner, a person that doesn't consider you their friend may sound more official or formal, giving clipped responses when you meet up with them in person or otherwise engage them in conversation.How do you indirectly let someone know you hate them? ›
- Date their best friend.
- Only hang out with them in groups.
- Tell them that you have plans. ...
- Draw a photo of a couple. ...
- Forget their birthday.
- Forget their birthday after promising to make it “the best birthday ever!”
Anger is a natural defense against pain. So when someone says “I hate you” it really means “you hurt me.”What do you call someone who acts nice but isn t? ›
phoney. adjective. informal someone who is phoney pretends to be friendly, clever, kind etc.What is a word for most hated? ›
synonyms for most hated
On this page you'll find 14 synonyms, antonyms, and words related to most hated, such as: cursed, condemned, offensive, undesirable, unpopular, and anathematized.
misogamist Add to list Share. A misogamist is a marriage-hater.How do you let go of someone who doesn't want you? ›
- Recognize when it's time. Learning when it's time to let go is often the most difficult part of this process. ...
- Identify limiting beliefs. ...
- Change your story. ...
- Stop the blame game. ...
- Embrace the “F” word. ...
- Master your emotions. ...
- Practice empathy. ...
- Adopt an attitude of gratitude.
- Listen to music that lets you feel your feelings.
- Exercise. It helps to clear your mind and you will be healthier.
- Write in a diary if you have one.
- Write a letter to him if you want. ...
- Go on some long walks by yourself. ...
- Know when to stop. ...
- Consult a therapist if you can't get back into your normal life.
“In fact, mental health experts recommend forgiving those who have hurt you to improve your mental health and well-being.” Remember that when healing a friendship, you also need to heal yourself.How do I shut down haters? ›
- Make criticism your fuel, not your kryptonite. ...
- Take it as a compliment. ...
- Get engagement by trolling back. ...
- Remember that successful people don't need to put others down. ...
- Kill them with kindness. ...
- Don't react, be grateful. ...
- Take the opportunity to check in with yourself. ...
- Ask whether you can learn something.
Usually, the haters simply criticize and move on. And that means that you can safely ignore them and continue doing your thing. But that is easier said than done because we all like to be validated. Some people like it more than others, but everyone wants to be respected and appreciated to some degree.Why would someone cut off their family? ›
Research shows the most common reasons people cut ties with family include: Sexual, physical, or emotional abuse or neglect. Poor parenting. Betrayal.
A person with toxic traits may behave in a way that's hurtful and damaging to those around them. Their actions, words, and energy might affect others negatively — whether they realize it or not. At some point in your life, you may encounter a person with these types of traits.How do you protect yourself from toxic people? ›
- Avoid playing into their reality. ...
- Don't get drawn in. ...
- Pay attention to how they make you feel. ...
- Talk to them about their behavior. ...
- Put yourself first. ...
- Offer compassion, but don't try to fix them. ...
- Say no (and walk away) ...
- Remember, you aren't at fault.
In fact, the Scriptures are full of teachings instructing us to leave relationships with wicked or evil people, to be separate from them, to shun, outcast, and purge them from our midst. (1 Corinthians 15:33, Proverbs 13:20, Psalm 1:1, Proverbs 6:27, 1 Corinthians 5:11, 1 Corinthians 10:13 – these are just a few).What to do when a family member hurts your feelings? ›
- Don't let anyone else's behaviour change who you are. ...
- Make it clear this isn't personal. ...
- Now remind yourself not to take it personally. ...
- Find compassion. ...
- Hold the space. ...
- Accept what is.
It could be time to cut the person off if you or your child start to dread visiting that family member, especially if they only interact in negative ways with those around them. "Recognize that spending time apart from them is important to one's own mental health," adds Dr. Halpern.Who is usually the black sheep? ›
Black sheep of the family is someone who is marginalised, scapegoated, misunderstood. They may be particularly sensitive, emotionally intense, curious, and are wired differently. When the family has identified a person as the black sheep, all members project unwanted negative traits onto the scapegoat.What does the white sheep of the family mean? ›
white sheep (plural white sheep) (idiomatic) a conformist; an unusual or conventional person. (idiomatic) a disliked person; one who is disfavored. I was the white sheep of the family, the straight man.How do you stop obsessing over someone who hates you? ›
- Focus on yourself instead. Instead of obsessing over someone, focus on yourself. ...
- Spend more time with friends. ...
- Accept what is. ...
- Allow karma to work itself out without you. ...
- Seek professional help. ...
- Avoid repeating their words in your head. ...
- Remember your value. ...
Abhor is from Latin abhorrere — "to shrink back in horror." It is the strongest way in English to express hatred, even stronger than loathe.What is a stronger word for hate? ›
Some common synonyms of hate are abhor, abominate, detest, and loathe. While all these words mean "to feel strong aversion or intense dislike for," hate implies an emotional aversion often coupled with enmity or malice. hated the enemy with a passion. When would abhor be a good substitute for hate?
Hate is an example of a distortion of both anger and fear. Anger can come and go, giving us the energy to oppose an obstacle or threat. Anger is the brain supercharged. Anger may be fuel, but hate is more like cancer.Why am I obsessed with someone who hates me? ›
So why can't we let go of people who continually reject us? According to Helen Fisher and her colleagues, the reason romantic rejection gets us hooked is that this sort of rejection stimulates parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward, addiction, and cravings.What is it called when you think someone hates you? ›
Paranoid personality disorder (PPD) is a mental health condition marked by a long-term pattern of distrust and suspicion of others without adequate reason to be suspicious (paranoia). People with PPD often believe that others are trying to demean, harm or threaten them.How do I overcome anger and hatred? ›
- Think before you speak. In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. ...
- Once you're calm, express your concerns. ...
- Get some exercise. ...
- Take a timeout. ...
- Identify possible solutions. ...
- Stick with 'I' statements. ...
- Don't hold a grudge. ...
- Use humor to release tension.
Expression of hatred, or intense disdain or dislike directed at someone. He told his mother, "I hate you for giving him $10 when he didn't work for it and I had to!" I hate you, Kenneth!What is the meaning of I hate you but I love you? ›
It's about missing your loved one after break-up. Olivia originally penned this song, then Gnash added his verse and created the new arrangement.